At this point, my mental illness has driven all my friends away. There is no one to show me love. I’m feeling tremendous guilt. Like no one deserves a mess like me and maybe I am undeserving of the love I need to flourish.
At this point, I am shutting down. This blog, my only outlet. I’ve taken down my social media sites. Don’t feel I belong there and my illness is just too obvious, I probably seem like a crazy mad man. I’m not angry, although my pain can come across that way.
I’ve turned off my phone. It was like hanging onto a dead lifeline. No one is there to answer.
Have spent all week crying. Couldn’t hold myself together. Completely fell apart at work the other day. I couldn’t even speak when I went to talk to the store manager, just sat down and wept for a fucking hour. How embarrassing. Tried to keep it together the entire shift but that last hour, my chest was hurting, and I had a headache, I was in the middle of an anxiety attack and it was difficult being on the sales-floor. I couldn’t handle it. Tried to be strong and push forward, but I broke down. I knew I needed to. Seems that’s all I do anymore.
Never felt so alone before. I always had a best friend to call but I don’t anymore. I’m strong but I need to be stronger. I’m strong enough to play through the pain, but I need to be strong enough to beat it on my own.
No one’s going to be there for me. Not anymore. Not having any support, I feel unbalanced. I’ll keep trying to get better. Haven’t given up yet. I feel there is something I still need to accomplish.