More alone now than I’ve ever been.

At this point, my mental illness has driven all my friends away. There is no one to show me love. I’m feeling tremendous guilt. Like no one deserves a mess like me and maybe I am undeserving of the love I need to flourish.

At this point, I am shutting down. This blog, my only outlet. I’ve taken down my social media sites. Don’t feel I belong there and my illness is just too obvious, I probably seem like a crazy mad man. I’m not angry, although my pain can come across that way.

I’ve turned off my phone. It was like hanging onto a dead lifeline. No one is there to answer.

Have spent all week crying. Couldn’t hold myself together. Completely fell apart at work the other day. I couldn’t even speak when I went to talk to the store manager, just sat down and wept for a fucking hour. How embarrassing.  Tried to keep it together the entire shift but that last hour, my chest was hurting, and I had a headache, I was in the middle of an anxiety attack and it was difficult being on the sales-floor. I couldn’t handle it. Tried to be strong and push forward, but I broke down. I knew I needed to. Seems that’s all I do anymore.

Never felt so alone before.  I always had a best friend to call but I don’t anymore. I’m strong but I need to be stronger. I’m strong enough to play through the pain, but I need to be strong enough to beat it on my own.

No one’s going to be there for me. Not anymore. Not having any support, I feel unbalanced. I’ll keep trying to get better. Haven’t given up yet. I feel there is something I still need to accomplish.

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3 comments

  1. The internet will always be here for you! Random strangers like me wanna help!!!! I know it sounds rubbish but I promise it gets better. You have to stop thinking about life and the future as this long dark tunnel and just think about what you can do to make today a little easier xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Express. Create. · · Reply

      Thank you so much. Good advice.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You seem like a really great person so I’m here if you need anything 🙂

        Like

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