Category Life Stories

More alone now than I’ve ever been.

At this point, my mental illness has driven all my friends away. There is no one to show me love. I’m feeling tremendous guilt. Like no one deserves a mess like me and maybe I am undeserving of the love I need to flourish. At this point, I am shutting down. This blog, my only […]

I am so sorry for the mess I’ve made and I can’t apologize enough.

My mind really made a mess of my life. I’ve got a lot of cleaning up to do and some things are completely beyond me. It’s hard living with that and knowing some broken things can not be repaired. I mishandled the most precious in my life and they remain destroyed. I can’t take back […]

Apology to the people I’ve hurt.

Realizing I am the product of my environment and my defensive behavior which leads me to lash out is causing trouble in my personal relationships. I don’t yet know how to resolve this but I want to and will work on it. If I’ve hurt you, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to hurt you because […]

Self Sabotage 

This self-defense is over reactive. This fight or flight instinctive reaction. Surviving all this time just barely getting by. Am I self harming in another way? Am I creating problems that aren’t really there or just making them bigger than they really are? Is this instinct to protect myself just doing more harm? Have I allowed […]

Why? (Raped, Beaten, Scarred, Abandoned)

When I was 2 years old, I learned a father can hurt a son so terribly and leave a scar so deep, so wide. 26 years can go by and it not fade even a little. The physical pain, no matter how it burned or left its mark. It does not compare to the emotional scars left behind […]

Hands. Live. Love. Hurt. End.

When those hands wrapped tight around my neck, I felt the pressure crushing down on my larynx and I heard a popping sound. I couldn’t  breathe, it was difficult to move my body, I felt the end was near. What was it that motivated me to gather enough strength to survive? Why did I struggle […]

I will.

I must accept. I must become at peace. I must let it go. I must counteract all these negative thoughts I have. I must create a good life. I must learn to love myself completely. I must take care of myself. I must not give up on life, on myself. I must keep going. I […]